It's amazing how much stereotypes are entrenched in our personal thinking, in our cultures, and in our communities. In Kenya, there are definite stereotypes that people hold for the different ethnic/tribal communities. Kikuyu are often seen as the educated businessmen and women. The Massai are often portrayed as the natural military leaders. And, depending on which community you're from, another community is either seen as lazy or as unhealthily obsessed with money, work, or power. In history and academia, this is often framed in discussions of "othering" in which we paint another group as strongly different from us. Frequently this othering is used to justify our abuse or subjugation of another group. It's often how we explain the Nazi view of Jews or Rwanda's militant leaders in the early 90's describing their enemies as "cockroaches". Stereotypes are prolific in our world.
Some of the stereotypes that consistently irk me are the stereotypes placed on guys. "Oh, he's just a guy. Of course he's going to make bawdy comments about women" or "He's a guy. All guys look at pornography and think about sex." These kinds of comments have driven me crazy for years - and continue to drive me crazy!
It largely stems from the experience of my own life and how my life, as a guy, is drastically different what these stereotypes say should be true of me. On one level, I hate being described by a stereotype that's not true of me. But, on a second level, I believe that by saying all or "most" guys act like this, guys then think that part of being a "real" guy is for this to be true of them. It becomes a self-fulfilling societal "prophecy". Since I've never cracked jokes or made comments about a women's body or sexuality and because I've never looked at pornography, it follows that I must not be a "real" or "true" guy. This has then often led, in my own life, to others labeling me as gay - another label that's not true of me.
In Proverbs 4, a dad is sharing what he's learned about life with his son. The second half of the chapter deals with the father calling his son to enjoy the wife of his youth (a choice he must make) and to choose (again, a choice) to steer clear of the sexual choices that lead to death - adultery, sex outside apart from sex with your wife, etc. And what is so important about this section is that the writer's framework is one of chosen discipline. These are all choices and the father calls his son to steer clear of choosing sexuality promiscuity, adultery and the tempting woman. The young man to whom the father is writing has a choice. What we do in life cannot simply be dismissed as "I'm just a guy". The truth is we choose our actions and thoughts. So, if these stereotypes are true of us, it's because we have chosen to engage in "stereotypical" actions. The son is not given the option to excuse his actions as just what boys do. Rather, the father says, "No, you have a choice and don't let the 'typical' description of a sex-obsessed and adulterous guy be true of you."
The writer ends this chapter talking about the man who chooses the "strange" woman - the woman who is not his wife (whether in images (e.g. pornography) or in reality (e.g. an affair)) - whose infatuation with a forbidden woman and the "breast of a stranger" entraps him, entangles him, and leads to death. The chapter ends with, "He will die because there is no discipline, and be lost because of his great stupidity." (v. 23) How many men are lost in relationships in our world? How often do marriages end in divorce and life's drastically affected for the worse because men lack discipline and make stupid choices?
You see, living the life of the "typical guy" is a life of stupidity, incredibly dangerous, leading to death - whether the death of a wife's heart, physical death, the death (e.g. divorce/splitting up) of a family. The evil one seeks to destroy our lives and tempts us with things that look good, but in the end lead to death. Throughout my life, continuing to this day and as long as I'm breathing, the evil one will bring temptation my way. It's what get's him up in the "morning" - trying to convince me, and everyone, that what looks and feels good, what others say about us, don't have real, dangerous consequences. Temptation to live in either stereotype - to be the 'typical guy' or, if I choose not to be, that I must be the 'atypical guy' who's gay - is and will always be a consistent feature of our lives. It doesn't end when you get married - as this chapter shows so clearly - even though far too many think this is the case. "I just can't wait to get married, then I won't struggle with [fill in the blank]." Too many men excuse their behavior in this way and too many women naively believe that after they get married, the man they are marrying will miraculously change. But neither is true. These are but mirages and false hopes.
I, you, we "wrestle" against the temptations of this world and the wily work of the evil one who is seeking to destroy my life, your life, our lives and my marriage, your marriage, our marriages to the woman I love, you love, we love (Eph. 6:12-18). I choose to push back against the stereotypes of this world that say I and others are one thing or the other. Not all Kikuyu are hardworking and not all men are sex-obsessed. Those of who these things are true have chosen to feed their desires, have chosen to be lazy and blame others, or have decided that they are [fill in the blank] and so [fill in the blank] has to be true of them - and they live up to those low expectations.
I want to encourage you. The stereotypes that others say describe you - whether you are male, female, Kikuyu, etc. - do not have to be true of you. In fact, you have a choice. And I want to encourage you to choose discipline, choose life, choose to resist the things others say must describe you if you are [fill in the blank]. Choose the things God calls us to do, in the power of His Holy Spirit - no matter how contrary they are to what feels good, looks good, or sounds good. And we need to hold others up to a higher standard then the stereotypes our societies and world's have for them - dangerously low bars that lead to hurt and heartache. I can guarantee you, for I have seen the fruit in my own life, that choosing what is right (that which is Biblical, that which God our Creator calls us to), choosing discipline, and choosing to not let others push you into unhealthy stereotypes, but rather choosing what God calls us to (lives of discipline and making God-directed choices) brings life and life abundant.
There is always opportunity to develop discipline and change, if these have been true of you in the past. One of my best friends feasted on pornography at times in his life and it haunted his marriage, undermining his wife's confidence, her beauty, their relationship and his professions of love for her. But, he learned to discipline his mind and his life and for years now, his wife has been the sole source of his delight and thoughts. And it has made all the difference in their marriage and in his life and their lives together!
Choice. You are always making a choice. And I encourage you to choose that which leads to life, rather than choices that will lead to death. Go against what the world things you ought to look like, go against that which feels good or right in your own mind, and pursue what God has said your life should look like.
A great place to start, if you're asking, "How do I know what choices are right?", is to read Proverbs. The Creator of this world, the One who knows you inside and out and understands how this world works, has given great advice and direction through a father who followed Him thousands of years ago. And it is wisdom that is as applicable and rich today as it was then. Surprisingly little has changed in the way we as humans think, function and live. We always have been and always will be men and women who are offered choices and make our own choices - do we follow our desires, the stereotypes of this world, or do we follow God's call to discipline our minds, our bodies and our lives to enjoy the richest, the sweetest life we possibly can - the life He calls us to.
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