Academic Study & the Great Commandment

The following is a short homily I gave in the Spring of 2014 to the students and faculty of the School of Arts and Sciences at LeTourneau University.  I share it with you here in the hopes that it might be a good challenge or encouragement to you.

DO

---

But when Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together.  And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him.
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”
And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and Prophets.” 

Matthew 22:34-40

                                                                                                    

“Teacher, which one is the greatest?”

How many of us have sat in a classroom, a meeting or around a table in the cafe with a group while someone in the group poses a riddle, a question or some scenario to show how smart they are? They set this trap of one-upmanship.  It’s clear to all of us who have ever been involved in such a situation that the questioner wants the focus on themselves.  On how smart they are, how brilliant they are, how much they know - especially compared to the unfortunate soul who attempts to answer them.

That, I believe, is what’s going on here in chapter 22 of Matthew’s Gospel.  This question is the third in a series of riddles set up to trap Christ by the Pharisees & Sadduccees - the leading religious and academic leaders of the day.  We see this intention back in vs. 15.  Their three attempts may be very familiar to some of us: (1) whether it is lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, (2) the question of marriage and the resurrection, and here, lastly, the question about which is the greatest commandment.

Mark’s and Matthew’s Gospel’s look very similar in the telling of this story, as they do in many ways throughout their Gospels.  In Luke’s Gospel, the question is also posed by a lawyer, but the question is different.  In Luke’s telling, it sets the stage for the story of the Good Samaritan.  Christ answer with a question, and the lawyer provides the answer “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27) And Christ goes on to tell the shocking and challenging story of a Samaritan, of all people, who helps a man left for dead by the side of the road in answer to the lawyer’s follow-up question, “who is my neighbor”. 

Well what does Luke’s passage have to do with Matthew’s?  First of all, it seems to indicate that Christ’s response in Mark & Matthew about what is the greatest commandment was not at all unusual. In this instance, he didn’t try to outsmart the lawyer or his listeners.  He refused to be tripped up by choosing just one commandment.  Rather he gave an answer all would agree to : to love the Lord your God with all that you are and your neighbor as yourself.  Twice a day, Jew’s would repeat to themselves those words from Deuteronomy 6: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind.”  Secondly, in all three synoptic Gospels, Christ’s answer poses a call to the questioner.  It is a call, I believe we, as students and professors - those involved in the academic calling - always need to hear and be reminded of.

This passage in Matthew places in stark contrast two opposing ideas: the question & the answer.  It was a question posed by a skilled, trained, intelligent lawyer, with the support of a group of likewise smart, educated, trained intellectuals - the Pharisees.  It was a word game and a riddle.  The very intention behind the question was to trip up Christ, to make him look like the charlatan they hoped he was.  And, perhaps, more importantly, to make themselves look smarter, more intelligent, and knowledgeable then Christ.  

Christ’s answer, while not surprising in content, is challenging in its target: intellectual pride and social envy.  Jesus sees their heart and uses something they already know to remind them that they’re heart is out of focus.  That the most important focus of their life should not be how much they know or protecting their jobs and social position, but rather to love God and love others.  They likely justified their actions as “protecting” God’s truth, but in reality, and what Christ calls them out for in the last part of Matthew 22, is that they are focused on their own academic knowledge and intellectual pride.

You might be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with our academic chapel today?” What does this have to do with literature, with languages, with biology, with chemistry, with math, with history, with politics, with criminal justice, with computer science, or, even, with theology?  

Everyday, we are tempted to see our daily work as just an opportunity get a better grade or know more then the person sitting next to us in class.  To ensure our graduating standing so that we can get a good job after we graduate.  If what we are doing is primarily about both our standing now and our job possibility in the future, how easily that desire can be frustrated and foiled.  All it takes is someone who does better than us, a difficult semester, and the failure to find a job after we graduate based on our GPA.  Our day to day lives here must be based on something that is not dependent on the job market or our ability to out perform the person sitting next to us in knowledge or understanding.  I believe that is where Christ’s words to the young lawyer and to the Pharisee are also words for us.

How are we, in the day to day routine of studies, learning to love God more fully with all that we are and to love our neighbor?  Every discipline, especially in this school, speaks to these areas in profound ways every day.  Let me close by applying this to my own area of study, history.  

How can I allow history to call me into a fuller love of God and of neighbor, rather than tempt me into knowledge that puffs up - knowing more facts than the person next to me or having the cynical answer that undermines another persons ideas. 

History is the opportunity to study God’s world as it has been.  It’s His Story - of a world He has faithfully loved through all it’s ugliness.  Through war’s and atrocities committed in his name to discovers and inventions in which His obvious hand is given no acknowledgement.  As Scripture tells us, all of creation proclaims God’s wonders - including the lives and history of that special creation - humanity.  

History is an opportunity to understand others and, in light of that understanding, to love them.  To see in those who are too easily demonized, the imago dei.  To know that each person - no matter how much life’s experiences or their own choices have rejected him - has reflections of their creator.  To know that those who are too easily praised as nearly divine are fallen too and imperfect.  To be unsurprised by both the creative and the destructive in humanity.  And to learn to love people, not in spite of, but in light of their past.  To discover more about each person around us - about how to love them and serve them - by knowing more about their own history and the history which has formed them.

Today we have the wonderful opportunity to hear from Raina Howerton, the executive director of the Gregg County Historical Museum.  The Historical Museum is just one of the ways we have to learn to love our community better, to know it’s past and what has shaped and formed it.  The who’s, the what’s, the when’s and maybe even, sometimes, the why’s.  But even more than that, the history of our county is an opportunity to see God’s faithful love of this city, of this area and of his creation.

As I close, let me leave you with this challenge.  How can our academic studies - yes, even those general education classes - help us to learn to love God and others with all that we are? What would it mean for that to be our first focus, and allow the rest (a job, proficiency in our profession, etc.) flow from that? C. S. Lewis once wrote, “Put first things first and we get second things thrown in, […] put second things first and we lose both first and second things.”  

May we always be faithful to that first calling, seeking to love God and build up others in love.  May we never be guilty of using our knowledge or our intellectual understanding to puff ourselves up or put down others.  May whatever we study, even history, help us to love with all that we are in ways we never have before.

May God bless you as seek to love Him and others more fully with your academic work.

New Direction

Starting today, this blog is going to take a new direction.  Instead of being a place to share random things that I've been thinking about, it's going to be focused on history and faith.  It's a relationship and question I wrestle with most days as a history professor.  So, for the foreseeable future, this will guide these posts.  The title and description of the blog have changed to reflect this focus.

I hope, somewhere along the way, something in the thoughts and ideas I'm wrestling with might be a blessing, an encouragement and give you something to think on as well.

Blessings,

DO

All Quiet On the Western Front?

From my silence on this blog, you might think life has been really quiet for us.  The opposite is actually true. It's been a busy season of life for us.  Since November, I've been back and forth to the US 3 times - once to see family, another to celebrate my grandma's life, and a third for a job interview.  In the midst of all that, I've been working a part-time job and trying to keep my head above water with my thesis that is due this summer.  And most importantly, I've been seeking to love my wife and nearly 8-month old daughter as best as I can in the midst of it all. So, life has been a little nuts!

I don't foresee me being able to post here regularly for quiet some time still - at least not until the Fall most likely.  In the meantime, I am posting quite frequently on my Tumblr account, as I find things on the web or to share thoughts that are on my mind.  So, if you want to keep up with what I'm reading or thinking about, check out:

dostendorff.tumblr.com

Hope this finds you doing great! Blessings!

Friday Notes: Shaped by History

This last week, my wife and I had the opportunity to go out on a date.  It was the first time since our daughter was born just over 2 months ago that we were able to get away just the two of us.  Because we've been learning so much about our families and what growing up in our families brings to our marriage (see "On the Same Page? In the Same Playbook?"), our dinner conversation naturally turned to thinking more along these lines as we head back to the US to live with our families for two months.  And what we came to discover fascinated us.

Schooling makes a huge difference on what kind of routine and structure our families developed.  For example, my wife and all of her siblings were homeschooled.  One of the great things about homeschool is the flexibility it allows for learning - field trips, different learning styles, projects, etc. According to my wife, it was a rare day when some educational outing wasn't planned as part of their education for that day.  As well, they were a highly active family, so whether it was 5am swim practice or late night gymnastics practice, her mom was driving the kids everywhere.  There was no bus to pick them up early or bring them home in the evenings. So the family's daily life and scheduled was shaped by these activities.  Now, contrast that to my family's experience.

Me and my siblings always went to formal school. Either a bus picked us up at 7am or my parents dropped us off by 8am. We had classes that were always a specific length of time, broken up by morning recess, lunch and afternoon recess - all also at very specific times.  We'd get on a bus at the end of the day and head home, leaving the school at exactly the same time and arriving home roughly around the same time, depending on traffic.  When my sister's stayed for sports, the bus would bring them home just before dinnertime at 6pm.  Day in, day out, our weekday's looked almost entirely the same one day to the next. Formal schooling was and is a highly time-structured life.

As we talked about this on our date, we took a step back and realized how profound a difference these upbringings have had on our lives and our families.  No wonder I am used to such a real regular rhythm in my day - it's what I've known and lived for so long.  And no wonder my wife's family is so much better at going with the flow of the day, because that is what life has required of them.  The truth is, we are shaped by our life's experience, our history.  In this case, we were shaped by the rhythm of our school experience, that which makes up 13 out of the first 18 years of our lives.

Broader Reflections

It comes as no surprise for me to say that history is profoundly significant for today.  In our marriage and personal lives, different experiences have shaped my wife and our families.  And the same thing is true for every person's life - whether a family member, a friend, or the focus of historical research.

I'm currently in the midst of writing up my DPhil thesis.  I'm looking at the history of a specific family from Kenya.  In the course of the research, it has become vividly clear how a person's family and their experiences shape who they are.  For example, one member of the family left Kenya in 1927 to pursue education in the US and the UK.  Over the next 33 years, he would spend over half of that time out of Kenya and away from his family.  This absence from the family's shared experiences significantly impacted his experience, both what he learned and experienced while abroad, as well as what he missed while away from Kenya.

You see, it's all too easy for us to see history as simply events and the buzz of activity and loose sight of the people who are at the heart of these activities.  What was their experience? Their background? It's why context is so important. Context. Context. Context.  It tells us so much and is so crucial to understanding people and the communities of which they are apart.

For we are all shaped by our history.  We as individuals.  We as families. We as communities.  We as nations.  We all are shaped by our history.

Friday Notes: On the Same Page? In the Same Playbook?

I've been reading 1 Samuel recently. Chapter 14 tells the story of Saul, the king of Israel, who's impatience got the better of him. The Philistines have set up camp to attack Israel, so Saul has gathered his army to respond to them. In one of many rash and unfortunate decisions, Saul decrees that no one in the army is allowed to eat until evening after the Philistines have been defeated. Foolish on many accounts, this decree withholds food from a tired, exhausted army. However, Saul's second-in-command, his son Jonathan, doesn't get the message. While his dad is making this decree, Jonathan has gone with his armor bearer to the Philistine camp. They're able to sneak into the camp where they kill 20 men between the two of them. The Philistine soldiers fly into a panic, unsure of what is happening. They flee the camp and the Israelite soldiers who were in hiding chase them down in battle.

Before making it back to camp, Jonathan, tired from battle and, no doubt, glad at the results, dipped his staff into a honeycomb and ate some honey on his way back to the camp. "Jonathan had not heard his father charge the people with the oath" to not eat anything until night fall (v. 27).

Well, long-story short, Saul had sworn that anyone who ate before nightfall would be killed. When he discovered Jonathan had eaten, in his rashness and pride to "save face", he actually was going to go ahead with having his own son - who had routed the enemy that day - killed. Thankfully, the soldiers protested the king's decision, saying "there shall not one hair of [Jonathan's] head fall to the ground, for he has worked with God this day" (v. 45).

Something that struck me, because of other things I've been thinking about recently, is how Saul and Jonathan weren't on the same page - in fact, you might argue they weren't even playing from the same playbook. Jonathan didn't know about Saul's rash decree, but also Jonathan was much more apt to seek the Lord's advice and guidance then was his father, whose pride often drove him to protect his own image over following the Lord.

Marriage: Merging Two Playbooks

Marriage is awesome! But marriage is also, in many ways, about getting on the same page and making sure you're in the same playbook.

Each of us grow up in families who have specific ways they do things. We grow up seeing, learning and adopting the model we see and are a part of. Think of it as our family's playbook.

For example, in my family growing up, your room could be messy, but the we had to keep the common areas clean. Another example is that when mom fixed something we didn't like (e.g. I was never crazy about seafood, but the rest of my family liked it), you needed to find something in the meal you liked. It was rare when you got your own special meal. We needed to eat what had been prepared. "Please". "Thank you". "I'm sorry". These were all a part of my family's playbook. And the list goes on. We don't buy Christmas gifts for everyone, we choose names and have a small budget for our gift (usually $30-35). Our finances were often tight as missionaries, so our family has rarely been able to do much by way of large gifts except for weddings, births, etc. My family tends to eat breakfast at 8am, eat lunch between 12-1pm, and eat dinner between 6-7pm. And we're constantly in motion - doing projects while we watch television, thinking through what we accomplished - or still need to accomplish - in a day.

In a similar way, my wife grew up learning her family's playbook. In her family, things like Sunday afternoon naps, FOB (flat on back) time on the couch reading the Sunday comics, meals together, Sunday night family time for catching up and praying together, etc. were all a part of their routine and playbook. Being involved in church, especially in children's ministry, is also a big part of her family's playbook. The Raikes family has had, continues to have, and has left an amazing legacy in so many lives through years involved in their church's children's ministry. Lauren's family eats meals when they're hungry or when they're all awake, so this often looks like 10am breakfast, 2 pm lunch and 8pm dinner - or anything in between. Lauren's family is great at relaxing with each other and enjoys sitting around playing games, reading books, watching tv.

During our pre-marital counseling, Lauren and I took a "compatibility" test and discovered we were surprisingly compatible. We've discovered that we really are and it is part of what we love and makes our relationship really easy. But, even with that, we still were coming together as two people who had learned to do life out of different playbooks.

Some of those pages, and even some of those plays, look very similar. For example, Lauren's family too picks names and has a price limit for Christmas. Her family did a little more than my family did, because they had extended family nearby - so they each get an extended family member's name to buy a gift for - and the kids all go in to buy the parents gifts. Similar, but not the same.

After 2.5 years of marriage, I'm realizing that much of what marriage entails is creating our own, new playbook as a couple. It includes plays, pages - maybe even whole sections - from each of the playbooks we grew up with. But it also involves rewriting whole pages and the messy, hard work of trying to figure out what we as a couple want to do.

Having a Baby

What's made me think about all this recently is having our daughter Aubrey just over 7 weeks ago. For most of the last two years, our married life has looked very similar to what we grew up with. There have been a few adjustments we've each made. Lauren's sweetly adjusted to the regular meal times I was used to and I've really learned to enjoy relaxing with Lauren and watching some of our favorite tv shows. Up to this point in life, the similarities in our playbooks have complimented each other well.

Having a baby is a challenge for everyone - lack of sleep, lots of new things, and figuring out what it means to care for this little new life. Becuase our married life has been so easy in so many ways, we weren't prepared for how challenging being new parents has been. We've now come to realize that we've been playing off different pages in different playbooks.

You see, in preparing for Aubrey's birth, we did a ton of research and work focused on the actual birth. Birthing classes. Talking with the doctor and meeting nurses. What do we need at the hospital and what will we need at home. All of these things occupied us for months. But what we didn't do very well was talk about what it looked like to parent Aubrey.

When Aubrey was born, we didn't have a section in the "Daniel-Lauren" playbook for how we were going to be Aubrey's parents. I think a part of us thought we'd figure some things out as we went, but a larger part just didn't realize we weren't on the same page until Aubrey was here. Because we didn't have a page in our playbook, we realized that we both defaulted back to our family's playbooks and what we had learned from them about caring for babies.

And when you're not on the same page and not even in the same playbook, it's really tough to work as a team.

I have two older sisters who have both had two boys. Both of my sisters followed similar parenting styles involving schedules for their boys, set nap times, etc. It was a common thing in my family as my sister's where raising their boys to ask, "Do you need to put them down for a nap? It's okay if you do." And so our family's playbook has been largely shaped by their parenting styles.

Lauren's family has a tremendous love and heart for kids. Lauren's parents have been teaching 5 year olds for over 25 years at their church. To say that the Raikes love kids is an understatement! And Lauren's family's playbook section on babies is different then mine. Loving on, holding, rocking, and having the baby fall asleep on you are all parts of their playbook.

Within the first week of Aubrey's life, we felt the tension of Lauren and I not being on the same page. Because we hadn't decided on our "plays" and Lauren's parents had sweetly travelled all the way to see us in Kenya, the first week of Aubrey's life was out of the Raikes playbook - because there was no page in the "Daniel-Lauren" playbook - and very different then the Ostendorff playbook. And boy did it lead to some frustrating moments.

We're now almost 2 months into this parent thing and we're now working on writing our own pages in the "Lauren-Daniel" playbook. The plays aren't going to look exactly like either of our family's plays. We probably won't raise Aubrey on a schedule in quite the same way my sister's have their kids. And our plays aren't going to look identical to the Raikes playbook.

You see, the responsibility is ours - as the parents God has given Aubrey - to write the plays and create the section of our playbook based off what we believe is best for her - how we believe God wants us to raise her. We're taking in lots of different feedback, advice and thoughts in order to shape (and reshape) those plays, but at the end of the day the responsibility lies with us. We are the ones God will one day say, "How did you do raising my child whom I gave you?". That's not a question he's going to ask our families. It's a question he will ask Lauren and I.

We've got five weeks until we head back to the US for 2 months with family. Our goal between now and then: to agree on our plays and get on the same page in the "Lauren-Daniel" playbook. That way, when we're in the midst of the "action", we're able to support one another, work with one another, love one another, and function as a team.

Like a good team, we'll know what the other would do even when they're not around. We'll be working together, in sync with one another. And, in many ways, that's one of the things every married couple has to do to make it work. To write their own team playbook.

Posted with Blogsy

Friday Notes: Choice

It's amazing how much stereotypes are entrenched in our personal thinking, in our cultures, and in our communities. In Kenya, there are definite stereotypes that people hold for the different ethnic/tribal communities. Kikuyu are often seen as the educated businessmen and women. The Massai are often portrayed as the natural military leaders. And, depending on which community you're from, another community is either seen as lazy or as unhealthily obsessed with money, work, or power. In history and academia, this is often framed in discussions of "othering" in which we paint another group as strongly different from us. Frequently this othering is used to justify our abuse or subjugation of another group. It's often how we explain the Nazi view of Jews or Rwanda's militant leaders in the early 90's describing their enemies as "cockroaches". Stereotypes are prolific in our world.

Some of the stereotypes that consistently irk me are the stereotypes placed on guys. "Oh, he's just a guy. Of course he's going to make bawdy comments about women" or "He's a guy. All guys look at pornography and think about sex." These kinds of comments have driven me crazy for years - and continue to drive me crazy!

It largely stems from the experience of my own life and how my life, as a guy, is drastically different what these stereotypes say should be true of me. On one level, I hate being described by a stereotype that's not true of me. But, on a second level, I believe that by saying all or "most" guys act like this, guys then think that part of being a "real" guy is for this to be true of them. It becomes a self-fulfilling societal "prophecy".  Since I've never cracked jokes or made comments about a women's body or sexuality and because I've never looked at pornography, it follows that I must not be a "real" or "true" guy. This has then often led, in my own life, to others labeling me as gay - another label that's not true of me.

In Proverbs 4, a dad is sharing what he's learned about life with his son. The second half of the chapter deals with the father calling his son to enjoy the wife of his youth (a choice he must make) and to choose (again, a choice) to steer clear of the sexual choices that lead to death - adultery, sex outside apart from sex with your wife, etc. And what is so important about this section is that the writer's framework is one of chosen discipline. These are all choices and the father calls his son to steer clear of choosing sexuality promiscuity, adultery and the tempting woman. The young man to whom the father is writing has a choice. What we do in life cannot simply be dismissed as "I'm just a guy". The truth is we choose our actions and thoughts. So, if these stereotypes are true of us, it's because we have chosen to engage in "stereotypical" actions. The son is not given the option to excuse his actions as just what boys do. Rather, the father says, "No, you have a choice and don't let the 'typical' description of a sex-obsessed and adulterous guy be true of you."

The writer ends this chapter talking about the man who chooses the "strange" woman - the woman who is not his wife (whether in images (e.g. pornography) or in reality (e.g. an affair)) - whose infatuation with a forbidden woman and the "breast of a stranger" entraps him, entangles him, and leads to death. The chapter ends with, "He will die because there is no discipline, and be lost because of his great stupidity." (v. 23) How many men are lost in relationships in our world? How often do marriages end in divorce and life's drastically affected for the worse because men lack discipline and make stupid choices?

You see, living the life of the "typical guy" is a life of stupidity, incredibly dangerous, leading to death - whether the death of a wife's heart, physical death, the death (e.g. divorce/splitting up) of a family. The evil one seeks to destroy our lives and tempts us with things that look good, but in the end lead to death. Throughout my life, continuing to this day and as long as I'm breathing, the evil one will bring temptation my way. It's what get's him up in the "morning" - trying to convince me, and everyone, that what looks and feels good, what others say about us, don't have real, dangerous consequences.  Temptation to live in either stereotype - to be the 'typical guy' or, if I choose not to be, that I must be the 'atypical guy' who's gay - is and will always be a consistent feature of our lives. It doesn't end when you get married - as this chapter shows so clearly - even though far too many think this is the case. "I just can't wait to get married, then I won't struggle with [fill in the blank]." Too many men excuse their behavior in this way and too many women naively believe that after they get married, the man they are marrying will miraculously change. But neither is true. These are but mirages and false hopes. 

I, you, we "wrestle" against the temptations of this world and the wily work of the evil one who is seeking to destroy my life, your life, our lives and my marriage, your marriage, our marriages to the woman I love, you love, we love (Eph. 6:12-18).  I choose to push back against the stereotypes of this world that say I and others are one thing or the other. Not all Kikuyu are hardworking and not all men are sex-obsessed. Those of who these things are true have chosen to feed their desires, have chosen to be lazy and blame others, or have decided that they are [fill in the blank] and so [fill in the blank] has to be true of them - and they live up to those low expectations. 

I want to encourage you. The stereotypes that others say describe you - whether you are male, female, Kikuyu, etc. - do not have to be true of you. In fact, you have a choice. And I want to encourage you to choose discipline, choose life, choose to resist the things others say must describe you if you are [fill in the blank]. Choose the things God calls us to do, in the power of His Holy Spirit - no matter how contrary they are to what feels good, looks good, or sounds good. And we need to hold others up to a higher standard then the stereotypes our societies and world's have for them - dangerously low bars that lead to hurt and heartache.  I can guarantee you, for I have seen the fruit in my own life, that choosing what is right (that which is Biblical, that which God our Creator calls us to), choosing discipline, and choosing to not let others push you into unhealthy stereotypes, but rather choosing what God calls us to (lives of discipline and making God-directed choices) brings life and life abundant. 

There is always opportunity to develop discipline and change, if these have been true of you in the past. One of my best friends feasted on pornography at times in his life and it haunted his marriage, undermining his wife's confidence, her beauty, their relationship and his professions of love for her. But, he learned to discipline his mind and his life and for years now, his wife has been the sole source of his delight and thoughts. And it has made all the difference in their marriage and in his life and their lives together! 

Choice. You are always making a choice. And I encourage you to choose that which leads to life, rather than choices that will lead to death. Go against what the world things you ought to look like, go against that which feels good or right in your own mind, and pursue what God has said your life should look like. 

A great place to start, if you're asking, "How do I know what choices are right?", is to read Proverbs. The Creator of this world, the One who knows you inside and out and understands how this world works, has given great advice and direction through a father who followed Him thousands of years ago. And it is wisdom that is as applicable and rich today as it was then. Surprisingly little has changed in the way we as humans think, function and live. We always have been and always will be men and women who are offered choices and make our own choices - do we follow our desires, the stereotypes of this world, or do we follow God's call to discipline our minds, our bodies and our lives to enjoy the richest, the sweetest life we possibly can - the life He calls us to.

Friday Notes: And Everything Changes

This coming Monday marks the 37th week point for my pregnant wife. Along with a crazy 8-months that have flown by, it also means that our baby girl is "full term" and could show up anytime now. It means that nearly everything about our day to day lives could change at any moment.

Like so much change, I find that my anticipation for our daughter's birth is a mix of excitement and anxiousness. Big change seems to come in that combination for me. The anticipation of marrying Lauren and our wedding ceremony just over 2 years ago was characterized by this mix, as has every summer since then as we've prepared to move to another country, another apartment/home and make new friends. Excitement and anxiousness.

Perhaps, some of us naturally lean towards one or the other and ignore one. For example, maybe we tend to get anxious and stressed before a change. Any sense of excitement is drowned out by the overwhelming sense of the unknown. Or perhaps we're at the other end. We get so excited about change that we drown out the anxiousness. While on the surface, this second response seems preferable over the first, it might tend to lead to a lack of preparedness or appropriate understanding of what is on the horizon. But maybe not?

Paul does remind his readers in Philippi to not be anxious about anything, but in everything, to approach the throne of grace confidently and lay our worries before our Heavenly Father. Perhaps excitement and anxiousness need to be revisited.

Perhaps, excitement and forethought is a better goal to strive for. Scripture points out that a part of faith is the hope of things not yet seen. The unknown doesn't have to create anxiety. God is guiding and in control of this world - He is always sovereignly at work. There is an element to which we, as believers, are to be characterized by hope and joy - characteristics that, I believe, more readily come from an anticipation and excitement of what God has in store, then an anxiousness of the weight of what's to come.

But forethought is important. As a soon to be dad and mom, my wife and I have spent months thinking about what we need for our little girl when she arrives. Diapers. Clothes. Somewhere to sleep. Her birth certificate and US passport. etc. And, in the same way, as a husband and father, I've already had to secure housing in England, even though we won't need it until the end of September. Perhaps, mixed with excitement, forethought and forward thinking action is part of how we deal with anxiety? Just as we lay things at our Heavenly Father's feet, I think he - just as he called Adam to work - calls us to action to deal with the things ahead of us. There is no room for sitting on one's rear end, saying, "Okay God, you gotta take care of everything" if one has not faithfully done what God has given them the opportunity and ability to do. These opportunities and abilities are part of his provision.  It is the difference between lazy irresponsibility vs. faith that accompanies action. We not throw our hands up. We use the hands, the mind and what God has provided for us already, so that we might be found faithful in using, acknowledging and making the most of how God is working on our behalf.

Last night, a friend told our small group a story about his brother. He had given his brother a car and most of the money he had to help him get started with a job and providing for his family. Rather than take the opportunity to work hard, his brother simply sold the car and spent the money. My friend has had to come to a point where he realized he did what he could for his brother, but his brother also had a choice to use what he had been given. Similarly, God provides for us, but that provision requires our active work and toil - what God called Adam to before the fall.  We are made for work (but, just like God in creation, work accompanied by occasional rest).

Likewise, as we approach change, we have a choice. To choose anxiety or excitement. To choose anxiety or forethought. To choose faith or fear. May we choose to be excited for what God has around the corner of change. May we be faithful to think and plan ahead as much as we are able. And, having done these things, may we trust God all the way through that He has provided what we need now and will provide what we need then. That He will be faithfully journeying through the change with us and he just calls us to actively do the things that we need to do.

Because with every turn of life, it seems that everything changes.

Friday Note: Deserved Wages vs. Corrupt Practices

Stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, 

for the worker deserves his wages. 

-Luke 10:7-

Nairobi Chapel, the church we attend here in Kenya, is currently in the middle of the second part of a series called "MKenya Halisi" - translated "the real/authentic Kenyan".  Earlier this year, they did a month long series on how Kenya - rich in history, resources and potential - is a country of which to be tremendously proud.  Having grown up here for 16 years, I couldn't agree more and it is a message all too rarely heard by many in Africa: that there is so much to take great pride in about where they are from.  This second part, however, takes on the parts of Kenya that are not so pretty: corruption, tribalism, etc. (Sermon series), but it addresses them from the individual's perspective. How do we, as individuals, contribute to the unhealthy aspects of Kenya's culture and society? The second week, Pastor Oscar spoke on "Kitu Kidogo" (a little something) - the phrase used when one is asked for a bribe. Oscar challenged the congregation that by giving that "kitu kidogo", we are contributing to corruption. Similarly, by renting/purchasing pirated DVD's and music, we are engaging in corrupt practices. It was a hard hitting sermon that Oscar did a great job with in speaking truth to an uncomfortable topic.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've found myself thinking along these lines and their application to Jesus' words as recorded in the Gospel of Luke. In this chapter, Jesus is sending out his disciples in pairs to do ministry - to heal the sick, to preach the Good News, etc. - and he tells them to not take anything with them (e.g. extra clothing, food, etc.). Instead, within the culture of the day, they would be invited in by those in the community, sheltered and fed. He tells his disciples to except this cultural hospitality, because the workman deserves his wages. Their work of preaching the Gospel is worthwhile, it has value and should be rewarded accordingly.

What does this have to do with corruption and dishonest practices (e.g. pirated movies/music?)? In the same way that an evangelist or missionary is deserving of wages, so are all who work - who engage in labour, that task God called Adam & Eve to even before the Fall. Hard work is a good thing! The writers, producers, actors, artists - even the  low person on the wrung who holds the boom mic or helps change lights - involved in making a movie or tv show is worth their wages. Every movie is a financial risk, involving the entire group - from the first pitch by the writer/creator to the company choosing to underwrite the production - making a gamble that in the end they will not only recoup their expenses, but will make a profit. They too are deserving of their wages.  And when we buy the 50/- (75¢) pirated DVD off the side of the road, none of those involved in the movie's actual production who took the financial risk will see any of that money. Only the guy who illegally downloaded it from the internet and burned it to a DVD. And while we benefit in enjoying the movie, we have not given the deserving "wages" to those who invested and risked so much for our enjoyment.

The truth is that everyone is deserving of wages for their work.  From the guy/kid who washes our car to our wonderfully sweet house help who comes and cleans our home once a week.  Part of a Christian's calling in their world and society is to pay deserving wages to those who work for them and to work for deserving wages for those being unjustly paid low wages. And when we go for the cheap option, the easy option, we are choosing to engage in unjust conduct and practices. We are choosing to withhold deserving wages from the movie writer who may only ever see 1 or 2 of their screen plays ever made into a movie in their lifetime. We are withholding just pay from the guy who washes our car that has a family to feed. 

Oscar was spot on when he connected the culture of "kitu kidogo" in paying a bribe to a police officer with other areas in our lives where we choose the easy way out. I even think about a PhD. It is hard work, but it is conceivable that someone could get a PhD by paying someone else to do the research for them or skating by on doing a less than thorough job. But either of those choices are unjust. The researcher is presenting their work as thorough and done with integrity, when in fact it was not. They not only undermine their own character, but they undermine the work of others who might - not knowing corners were cut - refer to their poorly done research.

As Christians, we are called to choose the costly, the difficult and the hard. We are not afforded the easy option, because the easy option cheapens ours or others work - that noble God-given calling. We are not afforded the cheap option, because it robs someone of their deserved wages. While Jesus did say his burden was easy and his yoke was light, Paul makes very clear that the Christian walk is still a difficult one that requires perseverance, sacrifices and trials. Our faith calls us to face life and make the right choice - no matter how difficult or costly. We are called to do the hard work involved in a PhD. We are called to pay the full price for a movie or song so that those who have done the work are paid for it. We are called to forego t.v. shows, movies, etc. when they're not legally available to us - even if they are available through illegal means - because it is the right choice, the choice of integrity that involves sacrificing our immediate desires for what's right. We need to be quick to forego our pleasures, if satisfying them would mean cheating another of their well-deserved wages.

We are called to stand against corrupt practices, to refuse to cheapen someone else's hard work and to forego pleasures and desires for righteousness sake.

Friday Notes: On History

"In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God."

~John 1:1~

The opening lines to John's Gospel, in pointing to Christ's eternal presence with God and as part of the Triune Godhead, also provides an illuminating perspective on history.  The Christian faith, the Biblical record, and the Triune God of which it speaks is a faith, a record, and deity that place a tremendous importance on history.  Weaved throughout Scripture and God's interaction of the world are two fundamentals: that history on this earth began at some specific point in time and that history is leading to some point in time - the culmination of all things.  There is a teleology to the Biblical narrative and Christian faith - that is, a direction of movement - that profoundly affects both how Christians should study history, as well as a deep importance Christians ought to place on the study of history (the "why?" of the study of history).

Before I go further, let me explain why this is the train of thought that has been on my mind recently and how it is important to where I am in my life.  One, it's important as I wrestle to understand the eternal significance of my vocational choice - the research, writing and teaching of history.  Second, it's important as I work out how my faith applies to that vocation.  In other words, as we all should be asking, I need to constantly be asking, "How does my faith, which is more important than my vocation, shape my vocation?"  Often times, it seems these two issues are either (a) separated in our practical lives or (b) "created equal" , as it were.  Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.  What we believe, which is foundational to the way we understand ourselves, others, our relationship to those others, and the world around us, shapes how we go about our work.  While our work, in turn, forces us to reevaluate and deepen our beliefs, fundamentally our work flows out of our worldview, not our worldview out of our work.

Part of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Ancient manuscripts with a history of
set in time past, both discovered and found in specific locations
and evidence of historical actors and actions. The history of these
scrolls is foundational to understanding their importance.

Returning then, to the practice of history and Christian faith.  Central to the Christian faith is: (1) the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ (his Incarnation), (2) the written Word (i.e. the Bible) and (3) the work of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer in opening their eyes to the significance of Christ's atoning work (the Gospel) and the truth of the Word (the Holy Spirit as Teacher).  History plays a significant role in all of these.  As a result, history is both central to our faith and, thus, our "practice" (whether lay or scholarly) of how we understand this history is vitally important.

The reality and importance of history is at the heart of the Incarnation.  The affirmation of Old Testament prophecies of Christ's coming declare actions in the past, prior to his arrival - but looking forward towards his arrival.  In the same way, the Christian belief that God sent his Son in His timing is indicative of a God who believes that certain points in time - in which things have proceeded and others will follow - play a significant role in shaping the present and preparing for the future.  Christ was not sent at the flip of a coin and did not arrive at a different time, say during the activities of Alexander the Great.  Rather, Christ came at a time in the Roman Empire when the Gospel message could disseminate quickly, when Pontius Pilate and Herod were leaders in Judea.  Luke, the Doctor, opens his Gospel by setting the historical stage: "In the days of Herod, king of Judea, there was a priest named Zachariah" (Luke 1:5).  Jesus took on the form of a man, was born, lived and died in God's timing.  To borrow a phrase from Paul's epistles, it happened in God's "proper time".  And Christ will return at a specific day and hour - a day and hour Jesus says only the Father knows. The Incarnation - Christ's life, death and the future hope of his return - is central to our faith and exists within a specific and linear concept of history.

Correct understandings of history, the remembering of history and the importance of history are stressed throughout Scripture, not just in the life of Christ.  The presence of the Bible's historical books are evidence of the importance the Hebrews placed on their own history. The stories of David, Samson, Ruth, Esther - these are declared as actual events that can be known and have been written down.  The prophets frequently refer to things which have happened, things which are happening and prophecies of those things which will happen.  The Bible also models the practice of historical writing.  Kings and Chronicles share similar stories, but with the narrative's shaped and details chosen to fit their specific purpose.  A historians limitations of knowledge, space and purpose of their writing continue to require these same editorial choices.  The Bible is also full of detailed and flawed figures - from all walks of life.  From the stories of kings to the story of two widows (Naomi and Ruth) and a businessman (Boaz) with which one of them falls in love.  This is significant - not because it tells the story of either the great or the "history from below" - but because it tells the history of individuals created by God in God's image.  Scripture affirms the historical significance of every life - something practicing historians continually wrestle with and seem to swing from one extreme to the other (biographies of great men vs. history of those who have no voice).  Rather, history indicates that the history of the rich individual, the poor individual, a group of people,  of men, of women, of politicians, of religious men, of thinkers, etc. are all important.  Contrary to some critiques, Scripture provides significant modeling to aid the actual practice of historical research and writing.

And lastly, the work of the Holy Spirit is of historical significance.  Whether in the Old Testament or New Testament, God's people are frequently called to "remember".  To remember what God had done (e.g. the crossing of the Jericho), to remember what they have learned (e.g. Paul's call to not forget what the believers were first taught), and too, in the way that Paul looks back to his Damascus Road experience, to remember that time when our eyes, heart and mind were opened to the reality of the Gospel.  Our Christian life is one framed within history. When we remember the depraved lives we lived before Christ, we remember our history.  When we remember what Christ has done in our life, we remember both our history before him and the history since accepting his atoning sacrifice, and in doing so, we compare two different periods of our history. An active of historical practice.

It's important to realize that at the heart of Christianity is the importance of history.  The affirmation that the Incarnation is a historical reality and occurrence.  The importance of history in the Biblical record.  And the importance of history in our own lives, in light of what the Holy Spirit has done in us and taught us.  

In closing, because history is so vital to our faith, how we understand, approach and understand the "realness" of history impacts our trust in Christ's atoning work, how we go about understanding studying Scripture (that there is a "then/there" in order to apply it to the "here/now" and that we can coe to understand this with a degree of accuracy) and how we understand the Spirit's sanctifying work in our lives.  Because of these things - recognizing this is a brief and quick overview - the study and practice of history is central to our lives as believers and rigorous and solid teaching about history and the skills of historical practice are absolutely essential to the believer's life and to their education.  We are a people of history and Christians ought to be leading the way in the practice and writing of history and Christian universities ought to be declaring to the world the centrality and essential need for the right practice and understanding of history.  History exists outside of ourselves - it points to a firm, knowable reality that is not ego-centric.  This, and so much more, is the response that a Christian perspective of history gives to a world of deconstructionism, postmodernism an doubt (a discussion to follow in a future "Friday Notes").

Friday Notes: Anxious About Nothing

"Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in everything

by prayer and supplication

with thanksgiving

let your requests be known to God."

~Philippians 4:6~

It has been a crazy week for my wife and I.  To kick things off, we worked on our budget and had a sobering - yet helpful - discovery.  After balancing our finances and adding in our upcoming expenses (our baby girl's birth in August, plane tickets to the UK and US for Sep, Nov & Jan, etc.), we realized that we only had 8% in our budget to pay for life's living expenses (food, the car's gas/petrol, etc.).  No wonder we've been feeling so financially tight!

Life's unexpected expenses took us by surprise this year.  Our baby's birth is going to cost twice as much as anticipated (and that's if nothing goes wrong) and our deposit for our apartment in England and our plane tickets set us back over $6,000 (over 20% of our income for the year).  So, that's how our week started off.

Then on Wednesday morning, per my normal routine, I got my morning cup of coffee and sat down in front of the computer to do my bible study and catch up on emails.  What wasn't routine was spilling that entire mug of coffee on our only computer.  Thankfully we probably own the easiest-to-take-apart laptop that Mac has ever made.  I was able to take it all apart, clean every piece - including each individual key - and put it back together. In a huge answer to prayer, it seems to be working fine.

But, all that to say, it's been a hard week and this all on top of preparing for the baby, finishing up my PhD research here in Kenya, getting ready to move back to the UK, and thinking about job applications and interviews this fall.  When Paul writes to the church at Philipi and says, "be anxious about nothing", it's a word for me during this time where I'm anxious about just about everything.  

On top of this, I have the really great opportunity to present a paper at a Cambridge/British Institute conference in just under two weeks time here in Nairobi.  Having been away from the academic community this year, I was feeling well out of my league yesterday.  Then I read this in Philippians this morning:

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

~Philippians 4:13~

A word from God for me at this time.  Baby's paperwork? Becoming a father? Finishing my PhD? Applying and interviewing for a job? I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!

I can't say I now rely on Christ's strength 100% of the time, but I'm learning to.  As much as this is one of the most difficult seasons of my life and a very difficult one for us as a married couple (although we've only been married 2 years), it is a season in which perseverance is building my faith.  So, laying hold of Christ's promise to give me the strength to do all that is on my plate and resting in His ability to accomplish all things, I am committed to persevering.  To keep on keeping on.  And to hold on to a God who is both always faithful and infinitely good to take care of all our needs! (Matthew 6:33)

Friday Notes: Forgiveness & the Future

"For I know the plans I have for you,

declares the Lord,

plans to prosper you to give you a hope and a future." 

~ Jeremiah 29:11 ~

Note: It's been quite some time since I posted, some 4 months. I often have the desire to sit down, to write something that's been ruminating in my mind, but I don't for fear that it would just be one more distraction from my work on a PhD.  I haven't been satisfied with that approach though, so I've decided that the thing to do is to take one day a week to sit down and, during the time I would usually spend studying the Bible, share something I'm learning or thinking about, that I feel like God's teaching me.  So, I'm beginning a new series entitled, "Friday Notes". May they be encouraging, challenging and a blessing in your own journey of faith.

Source: http://www.visitfortaleza.com/

Eight Years Ago: Fortaleza, Brazil

The prophet Jeremiah's words in chapter 29, often quoted and all too frequently taken out of context, were for the Israelites during the 70 years in exile.  This was God's call for them to trust Him even through those dark and hopeless days in a place they didn't want to be.  I would think they felt forsaken and betrayed by God, given up to their enemy, and facing their darkest days in exile.  For me, some of my darkest days came eight years ago during a mission trip to Brazil.  I was part of a leadership team mentoring younger, college-aged leaders who were guiding and discipling a group of 60+ missionary kids from around the world.  

Over the course of that summer, I felt compelled to approach my leaders about some decisions they had been and were making that were affecting myself and my other teammates.  Eight years later, I believe my heart was in the right place, desiring good from the conversations and wanting to see healing in our team.  I held on to the passages throughout Scripture that speak to the Holy Spirit's role in uniting our hearts as believers and leading us into unity. I prayed and hoped for the fruition of those promises.

Then, one night, they confronted me, using Matthew 18 (the passage on confronting a brother or sister in sin), with two other leaders from our team.  I heard that I was the "disease killing our team" and the "splinter tearing it apart".  Those harsh words and the deep feelings of my heart being misunderstood were hard to handle. I left the meeting and took the elevator to the roof of the high-rise hotel we were staying in.  I remember climbing up to the highest part of the building, a smaller roof above the larger one and curling up under a panel of some sort. I remember crying in ways I never had before, asking the Spirit why he had let me down - why disunity had been the outcome rather than the unity I had honestly hoped and prayed for.

My heart broken and disappointed, I walked away from my relationship with the Lord, not feeling like I could trust His Word. The next 6 months were the spiritually driest months of my life.  But in the midst of the desert, I came to realize the way our brokenness - even as believers who are redeemed, made new and being transformed - permeates even our best intentions.  How my brokenness, the hurt I brought into my meetings with my leaders and the ways I failed in communicating, without love over all, contributed, whether I was aware of it or not, to the disunity in our team that summer.  And even the brokenness in my leaders, as they tried to navigate what I was sharing, that lead to the ways in which they responded.  We are broken and sinful - even though we are clothed in Christ - and I realized that our sinful habits work, at times, against the Holy Spirit's desire for unity. Our hurt, our self-protection, our selfishness, our pride, our self-righteousness are all sins that get in the way of the Spirit working.

Source: http://www.kenya-advisor.com/nairobi-life.html

Eight Years Later: Nairobi, Kenya

This month at our church here in Nairobi, Simon Mbevi has been doing a series looking at gratitude, humility, forgiveness and love.  Last week, he spoke on the "Revenge of Forgiveness". An ode to an odd use of "revenge" by Idi Amin, the Ugandan dictator, Mbevi's sermon on the importance of forgiveness brought to mind that summer eight years ago.  And what struck me is that, had those hard events never taken place, my life would look so different now.  Before the events of that summer, my focus was on international missions and the hopes of working with the ministry, which I had been blessed to work with for 6 years, for the foreseeable future. In fact, I had taken a year out of college to work with them to see if that was, in fact, the direction God wanted me to go.  Out of the brokenness of that summer, came a life I never could have imagined!

I changed my college major and life focus after that summer. Instead of majoring in Cross Cultural Studies and Spanish, I majored in History and Biblical & Theological Studies.  I then went on to do a Masters in Modern History at Queen's University in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Had that not happened, I never would have met the Gilmore's, Meghan, Dale, Melissa, Dave, Jude, Derick and the Fisherwick Presbyterian family.  More importantly, I never would have met Lauren - my future wife - on that St. Patrick's Day, 2009, in Dublin, Ireland. As a result of a great day together, we were married 14 months later.  We've just celebrated our first 2 years together and are looking forward to welcoming our first child, a baby girl, into this world in 2 months time.  Had it not been for my Masters at Queen's, I never would have been in touch with Prof. Dave Anderson at Oxford who invited me to come do a PhD under his supervision: an opportunity I had only ever dreamed of, but never given serious thought to. Had God not opened the doors to Oxford, we never would have met our friends and family in Oxford and at St Andrews Church and wouldn't be finishing up our year of research in Kenya that we've spent with wonderful people like the Mumley's, the Odell's, the Cone's, the Pelts, Miracle House, Gabriella, our Plugged-in Small group, the Nairobi Chapel family and more.  Had it not been for the brokenness, the heartache and the time of wandering through the desert in the summer of 2004, my life would look so different now.  God did answer my prayers for that year.  Through the hurt, the pain and the disappointment He has and continues to guide me into His plans for my life - plans that are far greater and so much more then I would ever imagine on my own.

So Much to Learn...

I have learned and continue to learn so much from the events of 2004.  Looking back, I believe my choice to speak up for my teammates and myself, when we were hurting, was the right thing to do and I know it took courageous. Things didn't go as I had hoped and for my part in letting my brokenness and sinful nature derail that "train", I continue to be grieved and saddened. I learned, the hard way, that right motives don't always lead to right actions, which in turn don't bring the right outcomes. Sin gets in the way. It has broken the way things are and were meant to work in this world.

Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned from that summer is that truly, God knows His plans for us - He knew them for me - and those plans have been for me to prosper in the callings and giftings He has given me (to learn, to teach, to serve), to renew my hope and trust in Him and to give me a future, the future He desires for me.  Truly, He is a good God, trustworthy and great.  Worthy of all our, and my, devotion and obedience.  In our exile, in our deserts, in our wastelands, and in our heartaches, Jeremiah's prophecy is a call to trust God - even if it takes 70 years as it did for the Israelites - that in the midst of and coming out of that time, our Heavenly Father, who loves us so much, has a plan for us: to prosper us, to give us a hope and to give us a future. Sometimes we can't see it until 8 years later, but in the midst of those difficult times, let's hold on to Him!

"Who am I that I should go..."

You know those moments in life when the task before you feels and appears daunting, undoable, and overwhelming?  It seems like Moses certainly did when God called him to be the one to lead the Israelites out of Egypt:

But Moses said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt" (Ex. 3:11)

Moses continues, telling God the reasons he doesn't feel up to the task God has called him to:

"Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and tongue." (Ex. 4:10) 

These days I can sympathize with Moses to a greater degree then perhaps at any other time in my life.  I'm about half way through this 3-year PhD program at Oxford.  Here at the half-way mark, I find myself looking at the task before me - writing a 300+ page thesis on the Koinange family.  There are times, like Moses, that I find myself overwhelmed by it, with a fear that I may not be equipped with the intellect, the writing ability, etc. to accomplish the task before me.

As I have these moments of, "Am I actually going to be able to accomplish this task?", I find great comfort in God's response to Moses' own doubt and questions:

"I will be with you..." (Ex. 3:12)

In that phrase along there is a great deal of encouragement.  I have no doubt that Oxford is where God has called me to and the topic of my thesis is the topic He wants me to pursue.  He has made that clear through prayer, through the wise counsel of others and through His providential hand.  However, God didn't stop there:

"I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain." (Ex. 3:12)

God tells Moses, the way you will know that I am with you is by how it turns out in the end. "What?!  Are you kidding me God? You're calling me to trust you through this until the end, and then I'll understand that your hand was at work and I'll come back to this place to serve you?" I don't know if those are the thoughts that were going through Moses' head, but they would be the ones going through my mind.  And yet, God is calling Moses (and me) to greater faith.  Essentially, it seems to me, that God is saying, "Trust me through this.  Have faith that what I have called you to, I will also carry you through. And when it has been accomplished, then you will know that it was Me." And so I am reminded that God will carry me through and His will is and will be accomplished.

Yet even though, like me, Moses has his doubts, pointing to his lack of speaking ability and refined eloquence.  And that is the doubt that I find meets me most days.  Doubting that my mind will be able to understand and grasp the theories and research I'm reading.  And I go a step further, doubting if I'll be competent enough in my writing to write a thesis that Oxford will approve of.  As before, I find God's reassurance in His answer to Moses:

"Who has made the mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Ex. 4:12)

Who is that has given me my mind? Who is it that gives me words and an ability to write? Is it not God, the Creator, Sustainer and Almighty One?  It is!  And in that is my anchor, my rock and my encouragement.  Not in my own ability, but in God's.  "'Not by strength or by might, but by My Spirit,' says the Lord of Hosts." (Zech 4:6)

And that is the lesson I am learning - and know I need to learn and be reminded of this year - that accomplishing this task of completing my Oxford PhD and getting a teaching job in the end does not depend on me, but on God who has called me to this task.  In my doubts, I need to be reminded that God has said He will be with me and that He is the one who gives ability to accomplish the things He calls us to.

So, in the promise of His presence and His enabling me to accomplish what He has called me to, I persevere and continue the task.  In the end, when all has been accomplished, I will look back and know that He is God!

A Long Absense & Two New Blogs

It's only to state the obvious to say that I haven't posted here for a while. There's lots of reasons for that - getting married in May 2010, moving to England in September, and starting a doctoral program at Oxford in October - but another reason for that is because my wife and I have started another blog to share about life together. That blog is:

twoostendorffs.blogspot.com

Click on over and check it out. My wife, Lauren, does most of the posts and they're great! Videos, stories, pictures. The post's will make you laugh, make you go 'hmm' about British culture, and, I think, you'll really enjoy them.

As well, starting today, I've begun another blog called 'A Lot of Studying, a Little Bit of Technology'. For those of you that know me, you know I love gadgets and technology. The idea came from my brother-in-law, Nathan, and will reflect on different apps, programs, gadgets, etc. - especially in relation to academic work. It should be interesting and I've got lots of tips to share already of things I've found the most useful. Check it out at:

lotsofstudyalittletech.blogspot.com

On the rare occassion, you might find a post on this blog, but I think it's likely going to lay pretty quiet until either summers or I'm done with my doctoral program.

Flying

That sweet spot

That something special

A particular thing

In a particular way.

Made for that place.

Exhausting

My job is exhausting. No, not in the way you might think. It's not a construction job where I'm physically worn-out at the end of every day. It's not a research job where my mind hurts after a full-day of reading and processing information. It's even a job where I love the people I work with. I have a great boss, who is not only understanding and supportive, but trusts and relies on me. I have co-workers who are great at what they do and who continue to teach me a lot. No, it's not the type of job I have that wears me out, nor is it the people.

The Job, God's Provision

I work at the church I started going to when my family moved to Little Rock in 1999: Fellowship Bible Church. Started 33 years ago, it's a great place with a solid foundation and a commitment to the Lord. With a weekly attendance of over 4,000 men, women and children, it's also a big place with lots going on. I work in the "Production Technology" department. We're the team who's in charge of everything from sound to video to lights. We work with some of the coolest technology and do a great job at what we do. On Sunday's, our team of 10 are the ones who make sure that everyone can see and hear in worship and in the sermon. During the week, we keep events running on campus, maintain computer networks, the phone system, etc. There are always new challenges, new fires to put out, and new things to try.

Seven months ago the job was a gift from God, just what I needed financially, location wise, and a great team to get to work with - and it still is just that, a gift from God. His provision for me. In it, He has reminded me that He is Jehovah Jireh - God, the provider.

Wedding Hammers

"Wedding" and "hammers" in the same phrase? What in the world! Lauren and I have started getting wedding gifts over the last month. It's been so much fun to open them and continues to get us so excited about our new life together. It's also really humbling. That people have spent their hard-earned money to bless us - I can't think of a better word for it than humbling. To receive gifts we in no way deserve, given by friends and family out of their love for us.

In all the gifts, I've received a couple of hammers - which is great! You can always use a hammer and it's nice to have an extra one around. Not only that, hammers are great for a lot of different things. You can use them to hold a door up while you hang the hinges or as a base for another hammer in pulling out long nails. But what a hammer's really made for - what it's really good at, is hammering nails or pulling nails out. It's a pretty simple tool, but it does those things the best - those uses are the hammer's sweet spot. That place where it's being used in the way it was made to be used.

A Mother

The same principle holds true for us. God has given us an ability to do so many different things. Just watch a mom on an average day. Mentoring and guiding her kids as they grow, cooking a meal, cleaning a house, learning to get gum out of her daughter's hair or the 'bug guts' out of her son's shirt, all the while building friendships with friends and investing in others - whether leading a Bible study, working with a team on a design project, or helping someone decorate their home. Mom's are the, without exception, the best example in our world of the ability God has given us to do so many different things - whether they're our favorite thing to do or not. But even a mom has her sweet spot - whether it's hosting a party, painting in pastels or acrylics, writing an article on the place of romance in medieval literature, or putting together a brief on the affects of the Greek economic crisis on the European Union.

I admire mom's so much. Their lives of sacrifice and their faithfulness to doing what needs to get done. There is no one in our culture and in our world who works 24/7 with no pay and, sometimes, shockingly little encouragement. No one, period. There is no profession and no job that gives us as much as a mother does. I'd like to think it's the reason that both in the UK and in the US, there's a day set aside every year to celebrate moms (UK: March 14; US: May 9 - this year).

Surviving & the Cry

Back to the beginning and my job. While mom's are the best example, we all are capable of doing lots of different things. Over the years, I've planned events for the JBU Admissions Department, played host to groups at a 'bed and breakfast' in Northern Ireland (and cleaned bathrooms, made beds, and did LOTS of laundry), and learned and managed a 15 year-old telephone system. There's lots of things we are able to do. God made us in that incredible way. I had several friends last year at Queen's University who didn't love studying, but could do it - and did it well. They knew it wasn't what they were made for - but it was what they were called to for that time. Likewise, I wasn't made for these jobs, but I was able to do them.

I know these jobs and places when I'm in them. Those places that, rather than giving us life, suck the life out of us. Every job will have its days like that - but it's a different thing when every day sucks the life out of us. It's the days that remind us of our dreams. Too many people have ignored this reminder and remained "stuck" in jobs they hate. They just push through life - counting down the number days until retirement. It's an "evolutionary" mindset to working - those 40+ years in which we spend the majority of our life. A mindset that to survive until it's over. It's in jobs like that, that something cries out inside of us "There's gotta be something more than this!" The realization that we were made to fly.

Made to Fly

I have a friend who buys handmade, beautiful guitars in Belfast, Northern Ireland and then brings them back to the US, where he resells them for a small profit. They are gorgeous guitars with a crisp and wonderful sound. Handmade, the artisan cuts and sands each piece of the instrument. He makes it for a purpose: to be played, to be heard, and to be enjoyed.

There's a word in Hebrew that has been transliterated "shalom". It's a rich word, with a depth of meaning not mirrored in any English word. In the midst of telling his people that they would spend 70 years in captivity - in a city not there own, where they are called to "seek the welfare of the city" (v.7) and the people in it - God, through the prophet Jeremiah, says this after giving this bleak message:

For I know the plans I have for you,

declares the LORD,

plans for welfare and not for evil,

to give you a future and a hope.

(Jeremiah 29:11, ESV)

The word "shalom" is there in the middle. Here it's translated as "welfare". It's also been translated "prosper" (NIV, NET), "peace" (KJV, ASV), and "good" (NLT). This is a verse that, throughout the centuries, Christians have held to as a reminder that God has a purpose for our lives - both individually and corporately.

It's no surprise. Two of the things that bring me joy and confidence in my relationship with Christ - and two questions that I think everyone has - are: What's my worth? Am I important and/or valuable as an individual? and, second, What's my purpose? Do I have a purpose for being here, other than trying to survive? It's the second of these that this verse answers so strongly - that God has a purpose for us and not just any purpose, but one that brings hope and a bright future.

Back to "shalom". Swanson, in his Dictionary of Biblical Languages with Semantic Domains: Hebrew, further defines "shalom". He adds: completeness, health, satisfaction, wholeness, and contentment. There's so much to this word. Now look back at the verse from Jeremiah. This "shalom", this completeness, wholeness and contentment is what God desires for us. Not only that, it's the plan He has for us.

Like the guitar maker in Belfast, God, as Creator, made us for a specific purpose. He made us - in all our intricacies - carrying the analogy of the guitar, to make music beautifully and uniquely - we're one of a kind. And He, in His plans, wants us to be there. He made us to fly.

Waiting to Fly

It's a call to trust. To trust that God's plans are at work and to trust His heart and His character - that He loves us so much that He wants us to fly the way He made us to. It's taking ahold of the "abundant life" that is ours when we trust in Jesus Christ and allow Him and the Triune Godhead to lead and guide us. Like God's people in Babylon, it's a call to "seek the welfare" of the job, the company, and the place where we are, whether we enjoy it or not - waiting for God's plans to be fulfilled. It's being diligent in the now, right where God has us, trusting that, if we'll trust and follow God's voice and His leading, He knows how He's going to get us to that "sweet spot". It's that place where, as He watches us fly, we'll feel God's joy and smile, as He watches us do what He made us for. Content, whole, satisfied.

I'm waiting to fly and, in the meantime, I'm going to give the best I have to give. I'm waiting on my Heavenly Father, my God, to guide me to that sweet spot.

Life Update:Wedding, Summer, & Oxford

Words on paper,

thoughts in writing,

the crazy clouds of my mind

settled, still, and visible.

For weeks now, I've missed writing. I've journaled more these last few weeks than I have in a long time. Even though I'm journaling, I miss writing for school or to share a lesson I've learned in following Christ or to simply put thoughts spinning around in my head on paper. I have missed it.

I've been working on my budget (thank you Mint.com) and pre-marital counseling homework tonight. I didn't want to call it a night just yet. There are lots of things I've wanted to write about over this last week and these last months, but tonight I simply want to write a life update.

Wedding - Less than 8 weeks ago, I asked Lauren Marie Raikes to be my wife. The frenzy of January and February, getting ready for the engagement and the anticipation of placing that ring on her finger, seem a faint blur on the horizon of my memories. And yet, they are incredibly sweet memories: planning the details of the proposal, picking up the ring from the store, and hoping she caught a glimpse, in those things, of the depth and richness of my love for her - both my bubbling, giddy school-boy love and the fullness of my commitment to pursue & love her every day of my life. It's hard to believe we're now less than 7 weeks away from the wedding. In the midst of wedding planning, pre-marital counseling, and trying to see each other as much as possible (living 300 miles apart) - some days (and weeks) feel as though we're barely holding on to France's TGV bullet train, leaving romantic Paris and speeding towards the beautiful port of Marseille.

Summer - I am looking forward to the wedding celebration on May 29th. After that, I'm taking 2 weeks off for our honeymoon. Two weeks to spend with my best friend, my new wife, and the life-long companion God seems to have so custom-made for me. It's hard to know what it will even be like. Thoughts of the future are full of sweet and wonderful unknowns. Having seen confidently God's hand at work this last year in bringing us together - and His hand at work even now in wedding plans - it's an adventure I can't wait for! Chasing, together, after a Savior and a God who has shown Himself completely faithful - calling us to simply continue following hard after Him. He's already providing in huge ways with housing for June & July!

Oxford - We're going for it! There are lots of things we don't have yet - important things, like money, housing, and plane tickets. What we do have is a growing confidence of God's leading and a peace that following Him is worth it. Over the last several months, God's brought both Lauren & I to a point where we feel like this is the open door God wants us to pursue. He's given both of us a passion for Kenya and a desire to tell others about life in Africa. He's given Lauren the dream of staying at home and raising kids and provided a way for me to earn a degree that would allow me to provide for a family and He continues to give me favor with leaders in African history at Oxford.

There's a lady, she worked in France as a missionary for the better part of 20 years, who once told me,

"Daniel, too often I think we stand around waiting for a green light from God. More often than not, I think God wants us to get up and go, and trust Him for the red light if it's not where He wants us. Trust Him to guide, but be courageous in pursuing opportunities."

I've never forgotten that challenge. So, Lauren & I are pursuing this open door. God may close it. If He does, we've lost nothing. If it's where He wants us and we didn't pursue it, we've lost an adventure He had dreamed for us and a chance to trust Him for big things.

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

It's an incredibly exciting time in life. Following Christ, my Savior and my Lord, continues to be a mind-blowing, culture-defying adventure! It's not always sunshine and beautiful days, but, in 26 years, I have found that it is always worth it. Whether He's with me in the mud, helping me grow in determination and faith, or in the sun, holding my arms open wide in a smile big enough to hang the world on, Jesus Christ has shown himself true to His word:

that he will never leave me, nor forsake me.

(Hebrews 13:5)

Pursuit

Pursuit. Everyday, all around the world, people pursue the car, the experience, the beauty, the knight in shining armor, the job, the house, the latest fashion, the newest technology...the dream that captivates them. What is it that gets us out of bed in the morning? For most, that dream they're pursuing. It's the reason they can bear the job or manager that drives them crazy. It's how they get themselves out of bed before the sun's risen outside. It's the lack of a pursuit that makes our days miserable to get through.

Pursuits. They captivate our imaginations, fuel our daydreams, and drive our ambitions. They're a powerful thing. Think of the women and men who have changed the world because of the passions they have pursued. Martin Luther King Jr. Mother Theresa of Calcutta. Billy Graham. Steve Jobs. The list goes on. The truth in nearly every business book is that we rarely accomplish anything we're not pursuing and we rarely (if ever) have the perseverance to pursue something we're not passionate about. We pursue things that make us come alive, that consume our thoughts, our imagination, and our time.

What if we were someone else's passion, their pursuit? What if thoughts of us consumed their imagination, their thoughts, their time? What if we were the ones that made them come alive? What if you, what if I, were the ones that fueled another's passion? What if we were the thing that drove them to accomplish their goal - us? People in passionate pursuit of something will give up anything for it. How many entrepreneurs give up countless hours of sleep, money, energy, and their lives to accomplish what they're pursuing? It's a truth, not an exaggeration, that the people listed above 'gave their lives' for their passions - not just by dying for them (in the case of MLK Jr.), but more importantly, living for them.

Now, put those two pieces together. What if you were what someone was pursuing? What if you meant so much to them, that they were willing to give everything for you? Their sleep, their time, their money - their very lives. It's why loves stories captivate us so much. It's what we all long for - to know that we mean so much to someone else that they'd be willing to lay down their lives for us. It's what women dream of - a man who will pursue them and give everything for them. It's what men hope for - a woman they can give their life for, knowing that she'll give her life for him. Both long to be the desire and pursuit of another.

C.S. Lewis made the point that what we see, experience, feel in this world is simply a taste, a vapor, a spark of what's true of the next. This world simply echoes and reflects that which is eternal, unmarred by our greed, jealousy, or bad choices. It blows my mind to realize that we are what God is pursuing, that we are what He is passionate about. God's passionate pursuit of me is is greater than anything I'll ever experience or see on this earth. If men and women can give up their sleep, their time, their money, and their lives for their pursuits - God's pursuit of me has been, is, and continues to be even greater than that. The God of the universe, who doesn't need me, gave up so much to pursue me. Jesus gave up his place in heaven to come to earth. He went from being fully-God, to being fully-God and fully-man, taking on the form of us - humanity. He fixed himself to one place by taking on a bodily form - no longer God, everywhere all at once. He gave up his status as the ruler of the universe to be born in a manger. He gave up his desire to be spared the cross to be obedient to his Father - knowing that it was only by His death, a perfect, final sacrifice (Heb 9-10), that God would be able to have a relationship with us - the object of his pursuit ever since the world began. Unlike others, his life wasn't taken from him. He willingly laid it down to pursue me. He was the greatest of entrepreneurs. The most passionate of pursuers. He gave everything - both in life and in death - for his passion, a relationship with me and you. That we might know Him, as He knows us.

And then, at the end of it all, he left it up to us. It wasn't even a sealed deal. He pursued it as far as he could and then he left the final step up to us. We have the freedom to step towards him, or to step away. But he's given everything to pursue us. We, you and me, who captivate his thoughts and have fueled everything he's done since the creation of this world - we are his great pursuit. It's the power behind a truth they teach in Sunday School:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him." (John 3:16-17)

It's why the story in the Bible is so powerful and has rung true throughout the millenia, and continues to. It's the great pursuit. It's the most powerful romance story - of a lover who has given it all for the one He loves. And He's done it all so that we might know him - as we know our friends, our family, and the ones we love - intimately, resting in their love, their grace, and the delight they have for us.

Know that God's crazy about you. He's been passionately pursuing you since the beginning of the world and he continues to. You are his great delight and He desires, so much, to be in a relationship with you, for you to rest in the fact that he's absolutely crazy about you - and that his grace and love is absolutely sufficient for every excuse and reason you could possibly make up for why He shouldn't love you. Give it up, you're in a loosing battle! ;-) He's crazy about you and no excuse you make or secret your reveal will scare him away or surprise him. He's been passionately pursuing you since you were born and He's not about to give up!