But Moses said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt" (Ex. 3:11)Moses continues, telling God the reasons he doesn't feel up to the task God has called him to:
"Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and tongue." (Ex. 4:10)These days I can sympathize with Moses to a greater degree then perhaps at any other time in my life. I'm about half way through this 3-year PhD program at Oxford. Here at the half-way mark, I find myself looking at the task before me - writing a 300+ page thesis on the Koinange family. There are times, like Moses, that I find myself overwhelmed by it, with a fear that I may not be equipped with the intellect, the writing ability, etc. to accomplish the task before me.
As I have these moments of, "Am I actually going to be able to accomplish this task?", I find great comfort in God's response to Moses' own doubt and questions:
"I will be with you..." (Ex. 3:12)In that phrase along there is a great deal of encouragement. I have no doubt that Oxford is where God has called me to and the topic of my thesis is the topic He wants me to pursue. He has made that clear through prayer, through the wise counsel of others and through His providential hand. However, God didn't stop there:
"I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain." (Ex. 3:12)God tells Moses, the way you will know that I am with you is by how it turns out in the end. "What?! Are you kidding me God? You're calling me to trust you through this until the end, and then I'll understand that your hand was at work and I'll come back to this place to serve you?" I don't know if those are the thoughts that were going through Moses' head, but they would be the ones going through my mind. And yet, God is calling Moses (and me) to greater faith. Essentially, it seems to me, that God is saying, "Trust me through this. Have faith that what I have called you to, I will also carry you through. And when it has been accomplished, then you will know that it was Me." And so I am reminded that God will carry me through and His will is and will be accomplished.
Yet even though, like me, Moses has his doubts, pointing to his lack of speaking ability and refined eloquence. And that is the doubt that I find meets me most days. Doubting that my mind will be able to understand and grasp the theories and research I'm reading. And I go a step further, doubting if I'll be competent enough in my writing to write a thesis that Oxford will approve of. As before, I find God's reassurance in His answer to Moses:
"Who has made the mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Ex. 4:12)Who is that has given me my mind? Who is it that gives me words and an ability to write? Is it not God, the Creator, Sustainer and Almighty One? It is! And in that is my anchor, my rock and my encouragement. Not in my own ability, but in God's. "'Not by strength or by might, but by My Spirit,' says the Lord of Hosts." (Zech 4:6)
And that is the lesson I am learning - and know I need to learn and be reminded of this year - that accomplishing this task of completing my Oxford PhD and getting a teaching job in the end does not depend on me, but on God who has called me to this task. In my doubts, I need to be reminded that God has said He will be with me and that He is the one who gives ability to accomplish the things He calls us to.
So, in the promise of His presence and His enabling me to accomplish what He has called me to, I persevere and continue the task. In the end, when all has been accomplished, I will look back and know that He is God!
